To be or not to be...

How many times have I sat before a blinking cursor on a blank screen and tried to start this story? Somehow writing my story is harder than talking about it. Spoken words can be carried off on the wind, forgotten over time, and eroded by memory until the edges are smoother. The written word is more permanent. There is no tone to hide behind, no body language to distract from the message, it is a bold and everlasting statement.

The thought of writing down the story of the grooming and sexual abuse I endured as a child always overwhelmed me with anxiety. I worried about what people would think when they learned about my past. I worried my family would be embarrassed when I shined a light on the graveyards in our collective closets. If I'm being perfectly honest, I think most of all, I was worried telling my story on paper would paint me as a victim.

According to the Justice Department, "A victim is defined as a person who has suffered physical or emotional harm, property damage, or economic loss as a result of a crime." The verb/action word in that definition is suffered. Of course, everyone who experiences sexual assault suffers in some way, and most in more ways than one. But to call myself a "victim of sexual abuse" feels, to me, like giving away my power. I am not, after all, a damsel in need of saving.

The Cambridge English Dictionary defines a survivor as, "a person who continues to live, despite almost dying." Here, the action is continuing to live. Being a survivor doesn't mean my battle is over. Being a survivor, for me, means waking up each day and choosing to keep fighting for the happiness, peace, joy, and love I deserve in this life. It means refusing to give the abusers of my past any power or control over my present and future. It is choosing to live my life for me, on purpose, and on my own terms.

I may not know where to start my story, but I know that when I tell it, I will be a Survivor, not a victim. So often our stories are told with a focus on the trauma instead of the healing. With my book I want to shift the focus in hopes that you will be inspired and encouraged, not triggered. Inspired to embrace all of the beauty both you and the world have to offer, and encouraged to start Surviving With A Smile.

-"Don't Call Me a Victim" from my Substack blog The Journey